Saturday, January 30, 2010
Five months later.....Definitely I am not a blogger!!
I have been going through things in my house downsizing and getting rid of things I keep and I wonder why I hold on to them. One of those things is my journals.
I wrote in my journal everyday at one time . I have been reading over these journals I realize some of my life's hardships and deepest heart emotions are in my journals. I could keep them just to look back and see where I have grown personally and see the prayers I prayed for people closest to me and some I didn't even know and how some of those prayers were answered and some still remain unanswered.
I can see the changes in me, my marriage ,my life, in my own words.
I thought about keeping them as they have some wonderful thoughts about my children and life through my eyes for that reason I would keep them but then there is the other part of the journals that I write exactly what I feel and what is going on inside me, with me, the pain is all very clear ,very real.
For instance, when my brother was living with me and his children and the hardships, the emotions my own family went through trying to help them , or when my brothers or sister in-laws were on drugs or when someone did me wrong or mistakes I have made or rough spots in my marriage all those things are in these journals. If I died I would not want anyone to see how much pain they caused to me or I would not want them to feel bad if they should someday read what is in those journals and what my thoughts were at that time .Those things and thoughts about them have passed.So I wonder why do I hold on to them in journals.
A friend of mine died last week. I have known him for maybe 9 years or longer. He was my son's age. He was a body builder and took illegal steroids or some type of drugs to enhance his body for body building competitions . These drugs chemically altered parts of his brain. His mind never recovered from his addictions. He was a sweet trouble soul and went through so many hard times and just when he thought he was healing his mind would not let him.
I was reading my journals and the letters he would write to me during some of his good times and how much my friendship meant to him . Sometimes all a person needs is for someone to listen and to tell them they are loved ,and to to try to help them see the good within themselves so they can put things in the right perspective. I was glad I had my journal for reading about his good days, his love for his family and how many times he told me if I had not been available for him to talk to many times suicide was waiting on the other side of my phone. His father wrote me a letter this week thanking me for being his son's friend . He stated my friendship with his son was treasured by his son.I am grateful my journal recorded his good times and will be able to share with his father the love he had for him and his mom.
So I suppose I will finish reading the journals ,and thank God for the lessons I have learned, the changes in my life and the changes in others,the prayers that he has answered,the good times and the bad times , and the love of my family.
I am not ready to let them go so I will pack them and reread them when I need be reminded life is about change, growth, love ,and letting go of the past hurts .