Saturday, January 30, 2010

Five months later.....Definitely I am not a blogger!!

I have been going through things in my house downsizing and getting rid of things I keep and I wonder why I hold on to them. One of those things is my journals.

I wrote in my journal everyday at one time . I have been reading over these journals I realize some of my life's hardships and deepest heart emotions are in my journals. I could keep them just to look back and see where I have grown personally and see the prayers I prayed for people closest to me and some I didn't even know and how some of those prayers were answered and some still remain unanswered.

I can see the changes in me, my marriage ,my life, in my own words.

I thought about keeping them as they have some wonderful thoughts about my children and life through my eyes for that reason I would keep them but then there is the other part of the journals that I write exactly what I feel and what is going on inside me, with me, the pain is all very clear ,very real.

For instance, when my brother was living with me and his children and the hardships, the emotions my own family went through trying to help them , or when my brothers or sister in-laws were on drugs or when someone did me wrong or mistakes I have made or rough spots in my marriage all those things are in these journals. If I died I would not want anyone to see how much pain they caused to me or I would not want them to feel bad if they should someday read what is in those journals and what my thoughts were at that time .Those things and thoughts about them have passed.So I wonder why do I hold on to them in journals.

A friend of mine died last week. I have known him for maybe 9 years or longer. He was my son's age. He was a body builder and took illegal steroids or some type of drugs to enhance his body for body building competitions . These drugs chemically altered parts of his brain. His mind never recovered from his addictions. He was a sweet trouble soul and went through so many hard times and just when he thought he was healing his mind would not let him.

I was reading my journals and the letters he would write to me during some of his good times and how much my friendship meant to him . Sometimes all a person needs is for someone to listen and to tell them they are loved ,and to to try to help them see the good within themselves so they can put things in the right perspective. I was glad I had my journal for reading about his good days, his love for his family and how many times he told me if I had not been available for him to talk to many times suicide was waiting on the other side of my phone. His father wrote me a letter this week thanking me for being his son's friend . He stated my friendship with his son was treasured by his son.I am grateful my journal recorded his good times and will be able to share with his father the love he had for him and his mom.

So I suppose I will finish reading the journals ,and thank God for the lessons I have learned, the changes in my life and the changes in others,the prayers that he has answered,the good times and the bad times , and the love of my family.

I am not ready to let them go so I will pack them and reread them when I need be reminded life is about change, growth, love ,and letting go of the past hurts .

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A friend is a gift you give to yourself. Robert Louis Stevenson

Remember,the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree,but in the hearts of true friends.Cindy Lew

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle


I have reconnected with several friends during the last few months. It is wonderful one place could do this! I am referring to the social network called Facebook.

At first I was scared to death of Facebook. I thought it was just a site for college kids. So when a friend of mine asked me to join I thought naaaaaa better not.Then another friend said "yeah you really should get on face book. ""

Then the next thing I know my husband says I need to get a Facebook account.
He says he has one!!! Hubby is not computer savvy at all !!! It amazed me that he found his way into the Facebook world. He was so excited about it because he had hooked up with friends from school and coworkers. He travels all over the world facebook gives him that opportunity to connect with coworkers and new friends he has met along the way .

So I decided if Hubby could handle it then I was going to sign up too.

I signed up for Facebook out of curiosity and now I find myself playing Mafia Wars and getting way to many request for other games and applications that I don't have time to do nor want to do. I love Mafia Wars although I have found it a bit addicting at times .There are days I wonder if I could survive a week without Facebook!!

Connecting with old friends and keeping in contact with new friends has been such a wonderful way for me to keep up with everyone . I use to be so diligent in writing letters ,yes snail mail, to distant friends.I would pick up the phone and call every now and then but then life became so busy and I began to procrastinate and eventually I lost track of people really close to me over the years.
This is why I love being on Facebook. I now can keep in touch and share pictures , talk if we want, or say nothing at all and know we are only a message or chat away.

This past week someone shared with me a secret that I never knew!!! I gotta say I was blown away and touched in the heart at the same time. I would share but a secret is a secret!

It was in that email that I realized that you never know what someone really thinks about you and if you did would it change the dynamics of your friendship if you knew?

I think it shouldn't matter because if they are truly a friend then they will eventually tell you because a real friend knows you are going to take whatever it is and help or solve or accept it or just listen to them without judging them. A freind should be able to speak their heart to each other at any given time.

The scripture in the Bible :Proverbs 17:17 ----"A friend loves at all times"
This to me is the best way to be a friend. This is why I like the quote, "A friend is someone who knows us but loves us anyway. "

It is my husbands love that keeps my heart beating and the love of friends and family that holds it together.

Today I am so thankful for those that call me their friend and feel blessed by their love ,trust and acceptance of me just the way I am!!!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Ok, so apparently I'm not a once a week blogger! I had every intention of writing each week.Here it is three months later... A lot has happened in three month but I will save that for another time......................
I have been doing some thinking lately and I think I have learned I think to much. I just wish I could put all my thoughts collectively into something productive that could change the way people think so that with a combined effort change could be achieved in this hard cold world we live in.

It's hard for me to watch the news and see children and people starving because of wars and greed and poverty and religion. I have been to some of those places and have seen first hand the despair and the oppressed. It's even harder to to learn about those deprived of their basic rights. They have no civil liberties or basic freedoms. No rights to speak their voice or to make a change for the better good of the people.

I witness pain in the lives of others brought on by those they love the most everyday . Most of those people will repeat the same kind of lives that were taught to them unless someone takes the time to say hey you are valued ,you are loved, you are unique, you are special, some one that will help those that society might call worthless or throw away in some cultures because of all the wrong choices they make or because of all the abuse to them at the hands of others. I can't explain it but my heart aches at times and it's a deep pain , because I feel their pain. Maybe that comes from my own hurts and wounds . Maybe empathy , and compassion is a big part of who I am .

I see the walls kids put up.I can understand why they do.Some take them down slowly and others may never take down the walls they have built.
I am constantly told by intelligent ,bright people that you can't change the world ,you can't reason with people that have a mindset that knows no other way. Some times I agree but not the way they want me to agree because if you have never been abandoned , abused , or neglected, never been hungry, had no shelter, had no family ,if you have never lived those things then what would your mindset be? What is that about ? Why can't people see that it is up to us to make the change? It is up to us to teach a better way ,a way of respect for all human beings . I think it is more than compassion or empathy . I think it is a matter of the heart.

One of my favorite scriptures is Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is there your heart will be also. So what is it you treasure? I believe every human being needs faith, hope and love.I believe these three things are what can change hearts and mindsets.

I treasure kids, kids that never got to be kids and kids thrown into life crisis by no fault of their own. I try to give them if nothing else a bit of my time , a listening ear , a helping hand, food and clothing. Tell them they are valued and most of all listen to them and their dreams and I try and give them hope for a better future . I may not be able to change the way people think but I can show a child love and he will one day show that love to another and that is how the world can start to change. For where your treasure is there your heart will also be.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The color purple.

Old Timers Festival
I told myself I would do this blog once a week.
Today makes a week and a day !
I turned 50 Last Saturday . Sunday was Mothers Day, both days were great. I love my family and friends!
I am embracing 50. As one young man told me the other night. "Own it you are beautiful it's definitely only a number for you. " How sweet was that!!!!!! I know aging is inevitable maybe ,just maybe, I will be blessed to age with grace and dignity and have a little more wisdom as this aging journey continues, if not I can have fun trying and learning along the way.

My daughter surprised me with a surprise dinner party and later I went out for cocktails with my daughter in law and youngest daughter. These girls are beautiful .It was fun and amazing watching people's reaction when they walk into a room. We had a nice time and didn't stay out to late. Guys that went to school with my daughter bought me drinks and wished me a happy birthday. A few people I didn't know wanted to buy me drinks. People love to celebrate! I stopped at my limit. Did I mention I love my kids . I love young people! They make me laugh!!

I worked our town Old Timers Day booth Saturday and Sunday. You might wonder what Old Timers Day is ? Our city does a reenactment of the history of our town .People dress up in clothes that fit that time period . Main street is closed and is filled with vendors. Every kind of craft you could possibly imagine and lots of great food line the street. There are carnival rides as well. I love the smell of all the different food in the air. It is a wonderful time to meet people and to talk to them about CASA ( Court Appointed Special Advocates) and to recruit Volunteers.

I love watching the people that come to these events. So many different types of people. I feel sorry for the dogs that people dress up. Little tiny dogs wear sunglasses and tiny little hats.
I know those tiny dogs are miserable! Yes,they look cute but they are not happy .

This year two booths down from ours was a booth and in it everything was purple. I wanted to know what was up with all the purple so I went to meet the Purple people.
I felt a bit odd as I entered the booth. The two ladies in the booth were not friendly at all. Did I mention I was wearing a purple shirt , a Tye died shirt with the CASA Logo that says Peace,
Love and CASA. Maybe that offended them .

The girl I spoke with was dressed in all purple. She wore a long skirt and a head scarf like Muslim women wear . Both women had dreadlocks down to to their knees. Everything was purple ,everything they sold was purple .They also sold incense,jewelry and handbags . There was a section in the booth that had a photo of a man meditating in a garden . The garden was made up with plants in old tires . The Man in the photo is the Spiritual Master of the Purple People. I am not making this up!

When I ask the younger lady if she could tell me where she was from and what was the significance of the color purple she informed me that with all due respect I would have to speak to the ,I think she called her, the master spiritual teacher. I noticed neither women smiled all weekend ,not even when speaking with each other. I felt they were annoyed at me for asking anything at all.

I approached the older lady and she gave me her pamphlet about the Purple people. She
told me she was from Harrison Arkansas.That comment took me by surprise. Harrison Arkansas is pretty much like the movie Deliverance. There is a lot of racism up there and at one time KKK pretty much infiltrated that area. She told me they had a monastery there.A Spiritual Master there. He has been there since 1970's. It is a heavily wooded area. There are lots of Mountains so I suppose you could live there pretty secluded and not be noticed for many years.

The lady told me they followed the guidance of their Spiritual Master. He is the Enlightened one. She suggested I read the literature and look it up online for further information. I thanked her for her time looked at her wares she was selling and left the booth smelling like incense and smoke. I felt a sadness for these people.
Maybe I would have felt different if they were happy and sociable or eager to share how wonderful purple is but they were not. They were there to sell jewelry and items for profit for the Spiritual Master. I read the literature she gave me and looked it up online .

I am amazed that people will look and believe on anything even a color or the essence of nature and not realize what they seek is only a breath away and no man , spiritual leader,or color or power of nature , or object, can give them what their soul craves and that is to know their creator . To know God . To see God ,to feel God.

Maybe it is just me but I seek to know him closely to someday get his story . I have so many unanswered questions that only he can answer. I know I could never know in this life or understand the awesome power and knowledge and wisdom and love he has. I want to see him in all his glory. But I also want him to see my heart is for him.
Maybe if I didn't have a relationship with God I would do the same thing. Faith is so much a part of me and all I believe. For me it is simple. I can't see the air but I feel it, I breath it and I know with out it I cease to exist. That is how it is with God and me and faith.
I like the color purple.Actually it is my favorite color . The color purple signifies royalty. I wonder if God has a purple Robe. ??Purple will now have another meaning for me ;when I see purple I will think of these people nestled in the wilderness in Harrison Arkansas dressed in purple. I hope they will learn to smile and find joy and to see beauty in all God's creations not just Mother Earth. Meditation is great it can take you to levels of enlightenment that you do not know exist. With all due respect , seeing the heart of God in others through life experiences, the good and the bad and quietly listening for his voice is where I find my enlightenment......................................

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Approaching half a century

I turn 50 this week.

At 50 you should know who you are right? So this is who I think I am and who I am not. Who I want to be and what it means to me to be 50. And my bucket list before I leave this world. :)

What I am.
I am caring, compassionate, crazy, silly, a geek/ nerd at times, empathetic, I am a thinker, a giver, a lover, a mother, a friend ,a sister, a wife, a mentor, a aunt, a grandmother, a listener, I am a bit OCD, I am a child of God, I am a sinner, a nature lover, a animal lover, a fighter for injustices, I am quite, ,shy, not trusting of people until I get to know their heart. I am a bit stubborn, a romantic, a helper.I am loyal, trustworthy, respectful, kind,forgiving, I am adventurous , spontaneous at times, I am a people watcher, I am a planner. I am friendly. I am random at times. I am a quick learner, I am healthy. I am an over comer. I am resilient.I am an advocate.

What I am not:
I am not a angry person ,I do not live in the past but rather for today. I am not confident in all the abilities God has given. I am not perfect .I am not photogenic. I am not a singer, although I think I am. I am not a risk taker, although I have taken risk. I am not selfish. I am not materialistic. I am not who I was when I was younger. I don't let people get to close to my heart. I am not a great cook. I am not a morning person. I am not a public speaker .
I am not political. I am not judgmental. I am not mathematical. I am not racist. I am not who God wants me to be yet. I am not a size 5 nor do I want to be. I am not a beauty queen but I am not a bag over your head either. I am not fat. I am not good at taking any kind of medication.
I am not a city girl. I am not a poet or a writer, although I do write.

Who I would like to be:
The woman God intended me to be.
The woman that reflects the fruits of the Spirit.
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

What I love:
Laughing until you cry, A good book ,A good movie, Music, Singing, Sunsets /Sunrises ,Having 4 seasons, the smell of rain ,the wonder of life through a child's eyes ,Holding my grandsons as they fall asleep, planting flowers/ gardens, feeling the soil ,the beauty and art in nature, God's Creations, Poetry, a storm, the night sky, the ocean, playing in the rain, Baking sweets, my Husband, spending time with my children , My family's humor ,My family's outspokenness ,
My family's love ,My Grandsons, Hugs ,My dogs, Vacations, Sharing a glass of wine with friends
Dancing ,Back yard bar- b -ques, Picnics, Hiking ,Camping, Spending time with God, Studying the Bible, Learning about other beliefs and cultures, trying foods unfamiliar to me, Traveling,
Helping others, the kindness of strangers, seeing God's heart in people through their actions,
wild flowers, forest, streams, creeks, mountains, Honesty between friends, Soldiers, My Country.

My list of things to do before I leave this world and what I need to work on.

Be what God intended me to be .
Not Judge Christians based on their actions; it's between them and God
Work on Holiness within me.

This must be a 50 year old thing :
I want to tandem jump from a airplane
Work my way up to the highest level in white water rafting.
Climb Kilimanjaro

My hearts desire is to :
Help a street child or orphan or a foster child to see their worth and their value. Live in another country with a family to help with an orphanage for a summer.
Do more to make the world a better place for my grandchildren and future generations.

Spend More Time with My husband

I want to:
go back to Africa, visit Egypt ,Italy, Greece, Turkey,Spain and Jerusalem,Australia,Alaska, India, Ireland, London, France. Norway Sweden. Brazil, Costa Rica, umm... I think this means I want to see the world.

I want to study Theology,
I want to start a State or local resource Center for Children aging out of Foster Care.

I want to see:
Heather sing on stage at a concert
Heather/Nikki graduate college
Heather get married
Garrett and Ashley's Children
Lenny not work so many hours .
I want to spend the night in a haunted place.
I want to understand my sixth sense better .

People I want to meet that touch my life and unknowingly have brought me closer to God.
Anirban, Arrol, Ullas, Brian, Beth, Jason

So here it is . I am 50 .
I don't like saying I am 50 . I would rather say I am a hot 25 year old, however, I realize I like who I am at 50. I have my hot moments ;) . I have been blessed with a wonderful life.
I have nothing to prove to anyone and I only need God's approval for my life. The one thing I have learned is that without forgiveness you never go forward and that the pain and heartache from abuse, neglect and abandonment never goes away. But it does not define who you are, who you can be or keep you from achieving your goals. With God all things are possible.
No matter how old you are you should learn something new everyday.
I often wonder does Wisdom come from age or with age? What is true Wisdom?
The Bible has the answers.

And he said to man, 'The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.'

James 3:17
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure;then peace loving,
considerate, submissive,full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

I am happy to be alive.....................